almightythirst | Deerington Inbox

[ He’s always making her cry. Jesse brushes her tears away, the same as he always does, and wishes he knew how to be a man that didn’t bring tears to her eyes. He thinks—he hopes—he can learn. ]

That means a lot. I know it’s not easy.

[ His voice is tight, like the honesty of that statement is threatening to overcome it. It does mean a lot. It means the world to him that she’s willing to try. He squeezes her hands back, his smile hesitant and somehow fragile. It’s a far different expression than his usual, rock-solid grin. ]

I want us to have a future. Been so long since I thought about one at all… but now I can’t picture one without you in it.

[ His hands squeeze hers again as he hesitates to continue. All this talk about the future scares the hell out of him, even if he won’t say so. ]

I know I’ve not been somebody you could count on. I’m not good at this. But I’m willin’ to try, if you’ll be patient and give me a little time too.

[ Much as he hated making her cry, she was getting tired of doing it at all. Back home she was so much better about keeping every emotion buried, well other than anger. This place seemed to have opened some kind of flood gate on her emotions and she'd been challenged to feel them.

This was also a side to Jesse that was new to her. He could be so stoic and casual, even when he felt things deeply. She'd always felt he could hide the world behind that cowboy grin of his. But this is Jesse McCree at his most real.

She gives a nod and a hint of a smile, her eyes showing the hope she's already feeling when he mentions wanting a future. It makes the time he's been away feel more like an intermission in their lives than the permanent thing she'd always yelled about. ]

Lord knows I ain't the most patient of women, but I'm happy to give you what I got. We'll just work on it... or somethin'. I dunno, like adults, right? I had your back all those years ago, and I got it now. Maybe we don't gotta end every disagreement with gunfire. [ Her tone was easing into playfulness. ] And I think I like the way we make up now better too.

[ Leaning up she moved in to kiss him, wanting to solidify all her own words and his with a physical reassurance. ]

[ It feels too good to be true, the way this turned out. Part of him doesn’t doubt it’ll all go to hell somehow later, because that’s how it’s always ended up before. But again, there’s that hope. That mad hope that lead him to Deadlock, deep into Blackwatch, and now here into her arms. The one that sees the potential for disaster and finds it worth all the risk, for all that could go right.

He kisses her back, and the kiss is a promise that he won’t stop chasing that hope until she does. And maybe not even then. ]

Sure does beat a high noon standoff, [ he agrees when their lips part, though he doesn’t increase the distance between them by much at all. ]

Not that those weren’t always a good time.

[ She's sure Deerington will keep throwing challenges their way. Ashe is stubborn enough to manage the waves purely because she refuses to let this place destroy her.

She shakes her head, eyes half lidded when they break apart briefly as she mumbles. ] Sure when you're the one doin' the hog tyin', not so much when you get tided up. [ There's a smile on her lips as she closes he eyes and kisses him again. She savors it a moment, considering dragging him back to the sofa, or take him to bed, before she remembers that she's still got another gift. Pulling back, she seems free from the stress the previous picture caused. ]

I'm a little nervous now, but there's another box to open, right? What's your third picture of.

[ She just hoped it was nothing that suggested he'd be taken farther away from her back home. ]

[ He thinks about reminding her that it’s her turn to open a gift, but then he decides against it. After that last one and the conversation they just had… could be good for her to see the last one. ]

Suppose that’s true. You can get me back for that anytime you want to, by the way.

[ His quick smirk says he’s only partly joking, should she try to take him up on that. But not now. There are still pictures to see. He keeps one hand in hers as he steps back towards the couch. ]

Sit back down with me and I’ll show you.

[ She was glad she could at the very least hide how he could so easily make he weak in the knees. She chewed lightly on her lip again considering hauling him off to bed, but there were the presents, so she met him with a wink. ]

Don't worry, I intend to. Won't be entirely fair though, I think you'd like it.

[ She squeezed his hand again as she took a seat and joined him on the couch, ready to see his third photo. He didn't seem hesitant or nervous about this one, so she could at least deduce that it wasn't something awful. Once comfortable she held out her hand. ]

I'm ready.

[ Not something awful, no. Something a little embarrassing, maybe, because it takes a wish he hasn’t even readily admitted to himself and given it form. Jesse takes his wallet out of his pocket again once they’re settled, thumbing past the other two to get to the last. The one that shows, far as he can tell, a possible future.

The picture he hands to Ashe has only three people in it: him, Ashe, and Chloe. They’re in a place Ashe might recognize, a certain diner with its classic aesthetic and a few of the desert outside. They’re all smiling. Happy. Together in a way he knows, for now at least, is impossible. ]

[ She takes the picture from him, and immediately feels her heart pick up speed. It could be a trick or something, but that certainly is the three of them at the diner. She's been hoping that they'll be able to make it back with her, but seeing it brings a fresh wave of dangerous hope. ]

Well I'll be damned. We look really happy, and she's alive and safe.

[ It's definitely a future that she can get behind. ] You know I've told her that she's got the grit to take over my empire if she wanted to. I don't know if I want that for her, but I told her that.

Alive, safe, and right at home. Looks like she belongs right there, doesn’t it?

[ There with them, and not left to her fate in her own world. The one he’d give just about anything to save her from. ]

Not sure I’d want that for her either, but… I could see that. Could see her takin’ to it almost too well. If there was any way to make sure she could come back with us…

[ He’d do it. Even if they would all forget this place after, he’d still take her. They’d meet again, wouldn’t they? ]

[ It was a hard thing to think about all the possibilities of what could happen when they returned. There was some hope, and the photo helped to give her even more hope. Ashe knew Chloe would thrive, she had what it took, though she didn't think McCree would let it happen. ].

Yeah, she would fit right in.

[ She hands the photo back to McCree, giving it one last long look. ] We're goin' to find a way, come hell or high water. Maybe this is all pretend right now, but she's family and that part ain't pretend.

[ She looks over at the boxes. ] Two left, pick one for me?

[ She’s right. He wouldn’t let Chloe get tangled up in the criminal underground, not after almost losing her to her own world’s perils. But he’s also very aware that it’s not his choice to make. Ashe had made a similar one, years ago, and there’d been no choice but to walk away.

He doesn’t want to think of what would happen now, with them both faced with that choice again. ]

Yeah. She is family, blood be damned.

[ He puts the picture back amongst the rest, then stands to go grab one of the other gifts. He hopes, for Ashe’s sake, there’s nothing in either of them that will rattle her too much. ]

Go on now, don’t leave me in suspense.

[ She reaches out for the box, and licks her lips in thought before she opens it. She's filled instantly with a memory that had only happened a short couple weeks ago. Jesse was down at the barn, taking care of the horses and leading them out into the pasture for some fresh air. It had been far earlier in the morning than she had liked, but with a cup of coffee in her hands she was watching him while sitting on the fence. Chloe had been next to her, still waking up and her head was on her shoulder. The peace of that early morning had made her forget that they weren't actually a couple with their child, just living life on their farm.

She smiles when she opens her eyes ands looks down at the photo memory of it. She was pretty sure Chloe had been dozing at one point, but sleeping or not, she looked cozy with her eyes closed and her head on Ashe's shoulder. Ashe had a smile on a face as she watched Jesse. ]

This must be why you want that farm.

[ It’s such a simple scene. Homey and unassuming... and perfect. Must say a lot about both of them, that it has them feeling so strongly just looking at it. He’s not a man made for peace and quiet, but he can’t deny the warmth that floods him as he looks at it. Then looks at her looking at it. The happiness evident on her face. ]

Wouldn’t be half bad, would it? Not that I’d set up shop anywhere where it snows this damn much.

[ While life hadn't handed either of them as easy path to peace, getting a taste of it felt both kind and cruel. If this time without Chloe's memories had done anything though, it had solidified a bond between the three of them that wasn't going to be easy to break. ]

Yeah, when we get back, I am never leavin' the desert.

[ She smiles peacefully at the photo, before setting it aside. This left just the future. ] One box left, hopefully it ain't a picture of a gravestone. [ She got up to get it. ]

I’d be surprised if it were. Seems like it might be a pattern at this point, since we got photos last year too and they were all pretty cheery. Haven’t seen one yet this year that wasn’t the same.

[ He still worries, of course, that there will be something dark and dire in that box. You never can tell around here when you might get an unpleasant surprise. But realistically, he expects something inoffensive as he waits, legs crossed, an arm resting on the back of the couch behind where Ashe was sitting. ]

[ She'd heard about those photos, even if she hadn't been here for the last set. There is a hint of trepidation as she begins to open the box, but it's misplaced. The only feelings that run through her are of warmth and happiness. She feels a sense of satisfied exhaustion and the same kind of pride that follows hard work. It hits deep inside of her and she closes her eyes, because it's nearly too much. It bubbles over, and she has to bring a hand up to quickly wipe away a tear.

Unlike the last two memories, this one feels a bit more vague, but it comes into clearer focus. She could see herself, propped up in an unfamiliar bed. McCree is there but for a moment he's turned away from her. She just watches him, feeling a joy that was so pure that she wasn't sure she'd ever felt it. It was raw and innocent. When he turns around he has the tiniest human in his arms and she can see that he looks overjoyed himself.

"Hey there...I'm your daddy.."

He walks over to the bedside and takes a seat finally looking up at her, with the goofiest grin. "Hey Liz...we're a family..." The moment is intimate. A family. Not found. Not thrown together by circumstance and violence. Not that Deadlock wasn't family, but this was forged by blood and love and the thing she'd been starved of.

As the scene begins to fade from her mind she feels an ache of desire so deep it's painful and when she opens her eyes she looks down to see it's been at least documented in the picture in her hands. McCree sits on the edge of the bed holding the infant with it's impossibly small hand wrapped around his finger. She's looking at the two of them like she's never been more satisfied and maybe she hasn't. Ashe had a lot but satisfaction always seemed just out of reach. Was she searching for the wrong things? It's a lot to take in.

She also knows that baby. She's seen them before, held them before and wondered how she could love her own child so much, while her parents had so easily brushed her to the side.

She brings the photo against her chest as she comes back to reality and she looks at him. Her cheeks flush, because the picture is so intimate and in a way she's not used to sharing. Deep desires that Deerington seems to know, but that she hasn't acknowledged. But will McCree appreciate it, or does he have other goals that he wouldn't want to be tied down for. Besides, all of this is new. This picture is loaded, and she isn't sure what to say, because it's clear she's been shaken, though not in a negative way. ]

Future might be good... [ Is the lame response that finally leaves her. ]

[ Jesse sits up a little straighter, all his attention on her as she reacts to the photo. He can’t see it at all from this angle. He’d stand up and peek, but he’s too fixated on her face. Whatever she’s looking at, it’s transformed her expression. Clearly it’s hitting her hard. But not in a bad way, if he’s reading her right. ]

Might be? What is it?

[ Her mind feels busy with the questions surrounding the scene that keeps replaying in her head. Does Jesse want a family? Would he even want one with her? Could they fix their mistakes back home enough to even make a future like that possible? Deerington is responsible for the photo, but she feels almost like the girl asking her new boyfriend what his thoughts on family are far too early into dating. Starting a family is a big step and she can't help but wish she had a view into what had led them to that moment.

It was almost laughable how nervous she was considering all the wild things she openly did. For a woman who had conquered and built up a criminal enterprise to be embarrassed by having a baby, seemed silly. But it made her feel so raw to experience a desire she hadn't really given light to. She was cutthroat and dangerous, not maternal. Right? But there was Chloe and the other children and her business that had accidentally ended up doing more good than bad.

She knows she can't keep it from him, but she's embarrassed and it shows on her face as her cheeks turn a brighter shade of pink. She pulls it back and looks down at it again. He was happy in the photo, maybe he wouldn't turn away from what it suggested. Or at the very least, maybe he'd understand it was just Deerington. She could laugh it off if need be, but she found that she really didn't want to have to. Whatever this was, she wants to explore it with him. So she takes a leap of faith and hands it over to him, opening the door to a very private piece of herself. ]

Well, it's about the exact opposite of a gravestone.

[ And soon as she hands it over, she brings her nail between her teeth mindlessly biting down on it, as she looks away to try and rid herself of the blush and get control over her feelings. ]

[ Jesse has watched her stare down the barrel of several guns at once and still be less nervous than this. It’s hard not to get antsy himself the longer the moment drags out. What is it she’s so afraid to show him? When the picture is offered to him, it takes all his self-restraint not to snap it right out of her hand. If it’s something bad, maybe they can brainstorm a way to avoid it or at least mitigate the damage…

It’s so vastly different than what he’d assumed it to be that it doesn’t really even register at first. Ashe in bed, him and… a baby?

She’ll see the moment it clicks, the way his expression empties out with shock, his body totally still as the impact of the image hits him. This isn’t anything he’s ever considered for himself. Not even in his wildest dreams. This kind of family, this kind of peace, it wasn’t made for men like him. He’d ruled it out long ago.

Now that he’s looking right at it though, he has no idea how to feel. He swallows hard past a surge of emotion he can’t name, his thumb drifting down slowly along the edge of the photo. ]

… It’s ours?

[ He hadn’t predicted how small his own voice would sound, and how full of wonder. ]

[ She couldn't look away for too long, her eyes kept darting back to see what his expression looks like. He isn't running away and the way he speaks is calming to her nerves. It seems he is in as much awe as she is. She turns back to him after her asks and she draws her legs up under herself as she leans slightly over so she can see the picture again.

To his question she gives a small nod. ]

Yeah. I saw this little scene in my head. You were lookin' down at the baby and you introduced yourself as daddy. Then you looked up at me and told me we were a family.

[ It's an odd thought. It was an impossibility, it was just that the woman she was before Deerington had pushed even the thought of children aside, let alone with McCree. It's a lot to take in, but she can't say she hates the idea. On top of that the desire for that future still felt strong. ]

There's...there's something else. While you were ridin' with the undead, they had some kind of tent and inside it filled with smoke and made you see visions. I saw that kid before, You weren't there, but same kid. It was the middle of the night and I was just rockin' it.

Edited 2020-01-12 05:38 (UTC)

[ That last admission is what makes him look back up at Ashe, though the contents of the photo never leave his mind. They probably never will, regardless of if they ever come to pass. ]

The same kid? At least the weirdness here is consistent.

[ The joke falls flat as his gaze is drawn back down again. It’s so unreal. He can’t stop looking for some small detail to be out of place, to mark it as obviously unreal. Clearly impossible. Yet there isn’t anything. ]

When you saw that kid before, did you… did you know you’d had it with me?

[ She gives him a nod, she knew it was the same child. It was something that she could feel deep in her soul. When she'd gone into the vision a moment ago she had felt the same way. It was like looking at someone and just knowing who they were. Just like she knew it was a little boy. A little miniature Jesse, who they could keep safe from the abysmal family life they'd known. ]

Same baby. Same home too, I could recognize the home. I can't say that I knew I had it with you, but when I had the vision over the summer, we were in the middle of some really difficult stuff and I was still angry, and you were gone. This time, it was like I saw more of the picture is all.

[ There is a sheepish look on her face and she wasn't sure what he really thought of it all, yet. ]

I don't know what it means. I just know it's the same future I've been shown before. I...I can't really explain it...but yeah he's ours. [ After all, how was she going to ever explain the raw need she had in that moment to reach int that photo and take their child out of it and hold it close. There was a painful hold on her heart from the experience that left her feeling almost grief at having just a picture. ]

Edited 2020-01-13 03:41 (UTC)

[ A baby and a home. It makes sense that they’d have the second if they had the first. A family needs stability after all. Safety. A place to grow and love and be loved.

Jesse swallows hard and hands her back the picture, suddenly unable to look at it anymore. The feelings it elicits… they feel big, too unwieldly. Showing them this future might just be the cruelest thing Deerington has done yet. ]

I think these future pictures… they show us things we want.

[ It’s hard to continue, to put the rest of it into words despite knowing they’ve both already thought about it now. What the picture means to her. ]

Is this somethin’ you want?

[ Taking the picture back, she glances down at it again. Maybe he was right, Deerington was just showing them the things that they wanted to see. It felt like a really cruel trick if that were the case, offering a glimpse into something that wouldn't happen. She lets those words sink in for a moment and isn't sure whether to tuck it away and forget about it, because why bother thinking about things that won't happen.

Her throat felt tight again, but for a different reason. ] Showin' us what we want, huh? I don't know whether it's that or not, it's not like I thought about this kind of thing previously. I'd near forgotten the vision I saw over the summer.

[ Which is safe enough to say, especially when she's struggling to figure out his thoughts on it, then again maybe they were both clueless about how to handle the idea. She finally shrugs. ]

I don't know. I didn't think I wanted it. Never took myself for anythin' maternal. But... [ She can't figure out whether to be honest and open, or stay neutral. ] I felt like I did, when I saw it. It made me feel like I'd never wanted anythin' so badly. [ She went with honest. but she was quick to try and offset it. ] But it don't gotta be big deal or anythin', it's not like I'd hold you to makin' it happen, so we don't gotta start pickin' out names for some kid we don't even have.

You’d make a great mom.

[ Of that he has no doubt. He’d have suspected it before Chloe, but seeing them interact has as good as proven it. Ashe had a hard childhood, but she would do anything to do right by a little one. He has precious little experience with mothers, but he thinks that’s what it’s all about. ]

Sounds like Deerington—or whatever puts these things together—knows it too.

[ He smiles sidelong at her, smile tight and not quite reaching his eyes. She can try and play it down, but he’d seen the look on her face. He even knows, in some small part, how it had felt to look at that photo and imagine it real. A future they could share. ]

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CW: very brief allusion to past child abuse

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