almightythirst | Deerington Inbox

[ Her mind feels busy with the questions surrounding the scene that keeps replaying in her head. Does Jesse want a family? Would he even want one with her? Could they fix their mistakes back home enough to even make a future like that possible? Deerington is responsible for the photo, but she feels almost like the girl asking her new boyfriend what his thoughts on family are far too early into dating. Starting a family is a big step and she can't help but wish she had a view into what had led them to that moment.

It was almost laughable how nervous she was considering all the wild things she openly did. For a woman who had conquered and built up a criminal enterprise to be embarrassed by having a baby, seemed silly. But it made her feel so raw to experience a desire she hadn't really given light to. She was cutthroat and dangerous, not maternal. Right? But there was Chloe and the other children and her business that had accidentally ended up doing more good than bad.

She knows she can't keep it from him, but she's embarrassed and it shows on her face as her cheeks turn a brighter shade of pink. She pulls it back and looks down at it again. He was happy in the photo, maybe he wouldn't turn away from what it suggested. Or at the very least, maybe he'd understand it was just Deerington. She could laugh it off if need be, but she found that she really didn't want to have to. Whatever this was, she wants to explore it with him. So she takes a leap of faith and hands it over to him, opening the door to a very private piece of herself. ]

Well, it's about the exact opposite of a gravestone.

[ And soon as she hands it over, she brings her nail between her teeth mindlessly biting down on it, as she looks away to try and rid herself of the blush and get control over her feelings. ]

[ Jesse has watched her stare down the barrel of several guns at once and still be less nervous than this. It’s hard not to get antsy himself the longer the moment drags out. What is it she’s so afraid to show him? When the picture is offered to him, it takes all his self-restraint not to snap it right out of her hand. If it’s something bad, maybe they can brainstorm a way to avoid it or at least mitigate the damage…

It’s so vastly different than what he’d assumed it to be that it doesn’t really even register at first. Ashe in bed, him and… a baby?

She’ll see the moment it clicks, the way his expression empties out with shock, his body totally still as the impact of the image hits him. This isn’t anything he’s ever considered for himself. Not even in his wildest dreams. This kind of family, this kind of peace, it wasn’t made for men like him. He’d ruled it out long ago.

Now that he’s looking right at it though, he has no idea how to feel. He swallows hard past a surge of emotion he can’t name, his thumb drifting down slowly along the edge of the photo. ]

… It’s ours?

[ He hadn’t predicted how small his own voice would sound, and how full of wonder. ]

[ She couldn't look away for too long, her eyes kept darting back to see what his expression looks like. He isn't running away and the way he speaks is calming to her nerves. It seems he is in as much awe as she is. She turns back to him after her asks and she draws her legs up under herself as she leans slightly over so she can see the picture again.

To his question she gives a small nod. ]

Yeah. I saw this little scene in my head. You were lookin' down at the baby and you introduced yourself as daddy. Then you looked up at me and told me we were a family.

[ It's an odd thought. It was an impossibility, it was just that the woman she was before Deerington had pushed even the thought of children aside, let alone with McCree. It's a lot to take in, but she can't say she hates the idea. On top of that the desire for that future still felt strong. ]

There's...there's something else. While you were ridin' with the undead, they had some kind of tent and inside it filled with smoke and made you see visions. I saw that kid before, You weren't there, but same kid. It was the middle of the night and I was just rockin' it.

Edited 2020-01-12 05:38 (UTC)

[ That last admission is what makes him look back up at Ashe, though the contents of the photo never leave his mind. They probably never will, regardless of if they ever come to pass. ]

The same kid? At least the weirdness here is consistent.

[ The joke falls flat as his gaze is drawn back down again. It’s so unreal. He can’t stop looking for some small detail to be out of place, to mark it as obviously unreal. Clearly impossible. Yet there isn’t anything. ]

When you saw that kid before, did you… did you know you’d had it with me?

[ She gives him a nod, she knew it was the same child. It was something that she could feel deep in her soul. When she'd gone into the vision a moment ago she had felt the same way. It was like looking at someone and just knowing who they were. Just like she knew it was a little boy. A little miniature Jesse, who they could keep safe from the abysmal family life they'd known. ]

Same baby. Same home too, I could recognize the home. I can't say that I knew I had it with you, but when I had the vision over the summer, we were in the middle of some really difficult stuff and I was still angry, and you were gone. This time, it was like I saw more of the picture is all.

[ There is a sheepish look on her face and she wasn't sure what he really thought of it all, yet. ]

I don't know what it means. I just know it's the same future I've been shown before. I...I can't really explain it...but yeah he's ours. [ After all, how was she going to ever explain the raw need she had in that moment to reach int that photo and take their child out of it and hold it close. There was a painful hold on her heart from the experience that left her feeling almost grief at having just a picture. ]

Edited 2020-01-13 03:41 (UTC)

[ A baby and a home. It makes sense that they’d have the second if they had the first. A family needs stability after all. Safety. A place to grow and love and be loved.

Jesse swallows hard and hands her back the picture, suddenly unable to look at it anymore. The feelings it elicits… they feel big, too unwieldly. Showing them this future might just be the cruelest thing Deerington has done yet. ]

I think these future pictures… they show us things we want.

[ It’s hard to continue, to put the rest of it into words despite knowing they’ve both already thought about it now. What the picture means to her. ]

Is this somethin’ you want?

[ Taking the picture back, she glances down at it again. Maybe he was right, Deerington was just showing them the things that they wanted to see. It felt like a really cruel trick if that were the case, offering a glimpse into something that wouldn't happen. She lets those words sink in for a moment and isn't sure whether to tuck it away and forget about it, because why bother thinking about things that won't happen.

Her throat felt tight again, but for a different reason. ] Showin' us what we want, huh? I don't know whether it's that or not, it's not like I thought about this kind of thing previously. I'd near forgotten the vision I saw over the summer.

[ Which is safe enough to say, especially when she's struggling to figure out his thoughts on it, then again maybe they were both clueless about how to handle the idea. She finally shrugs. ]

I don't know. I didn't think I wanted it. Never took myself for anythin' maternal. But... [ She can't figure out whether to be honest and open, or stay neutral. ] I felt like I did, when I saw it. It made me feel like I'd never wanted anythin' so badly. [ She went with honest. but she was quick to try and offset it. ] But it don't gotta be big deal or anythin', it's not like I'd hold you to makin' it happen, so we don't gotta start pickin' out names for some kid we don't even have.

You’d make a great mom.

[ Of that he has no doubt. He’d have suspected it before Chloe, but seeing them interact has as good as proven it. Ashe had a hard childhood, but she would do anything to do right by a little one. He has precious little experience with mothers, but he thinks that’s what it’s all about. ]

Sounds like Deerington—or whatever puts these things together—knows it too.

[ He smiles sidelong at her, smile tight and not quite reaching his eyes. She can try and play it down, but he’d seen the look on her face. He even knows, in some small part, how it had felt to look at that photo and imagine it real. A future they could share. ]

[ Chloe had made her wonder if she'd be able to raise a child and do a good job. She hoped so. All she can do is nod to that though. Certainly whatever higher power was out there knew that Ashe would move heaven and earth for her child, so there was that. ]

Well, couldn't be worse than my own.

[ But there is another thing that's still itching at her. ]

Jesse. What do you think? About this? And I don't mean the reasons for why I may have been shown it. I mean, what do you think. If we are lookin' at a snapshot of our future. You gotta have some thought on it.

[ He’d been hoping she wouldn’t ask, but of course she would, given this could very well be their future… and it’s a big conversation they’d have to have anyway. Maybe not now, not this soon, but one day.

He looks away, hunching over a little as he rests his arms on his knees. What does he think? He’s scared, that’s what, but how does he say that? ]

I think… if that were really me sittin’ there, then… it’d be the happiest moment of my whole damn life.

[ He looks anything but happy though as he stares at the snow falling outside the nearest window. ]

But there’s no way I could have that. Not the house, not the… the family, the kid. Any of it. Not with my bounty, and not with ex-Overwatch agents bein’ hunted down, and how the hell would I even know how—

[ He clenches his teeth, going suddenly quiet as the snow he still has his eyes locked on. ]

[ It’s not a reassuring response, but she hadn’t expected it to be. Ashe nearly regretted showing it to him because the last thing she wanted was to let more raw feelings out into the open. They’d been through a gamut of feelings already and this added another layer.

She doesn’t know entirely what he means by ‘happy’ because he doesn’t look happy, and it’s hard for her to not internalize it as a rejection, but the words he’d been saying soften that because he’d been meeting her with so much acceptance. The whole idea of it was enough to mess with her head as much as his.

Ashe holds out the photo again, pointing to him. ] That is you. Whatever comes to it, there is no if, that’s you.

[ She could guess what he meant though. They’d been playing house for the last month but that didn’t mean they were meant for it with their own, in their own world. She felt defensive all the same, almost needing to protect the vision she’d seen. Leave it to Deerington to let only one of them feel the power of it. But she didn’t want to be in that alone. ]

You can’t think of one possible way that we might not be doomed to spend our lives alone, runnin’ from the bounties, and our past in order to build a future? We may never be wholesome, but babies don’t exactly choose the situations they’re born into. And a one night stand in a hotel room is all it’d take.

[ She trailed off for a moment, following where he was looking, before glancing at him. There was more to this than just concerns about being chased and bounties. She could pick up on his fear. ]

I’m...happy. This time, with you and Chloe… it’s...I’ve been happy more than angry. I didn’t know that was possible. And we’ve been doin’ right by her, because she’s happy more than she’s angry too. [ Her words were careful and she reached out to touch his cheek and bring him back to her. ] If the only future you see is runnin’ away from your bounty and whoever has a bone to pick with you, I’ll never be able to catch up to you. Tell me what you are afraid of, Jesse? Because I ain’t lookin’ to rush this and pick out china patterns and nursery colors because of a photo. I’m just tired of losin’ what makes me happy.

[ Jesse isn’t any happier about this conversation than she is. He would spare her it if he could, but it’s all out there already. And she’d asked. Even so, he sees an opportunity in her anger. He could deflect this. Push those buttons, make her angry enough to back off and push him away. It wouldn’t even really be that hard. He’d already had a knack for manipulation with Deadlock. Blackwatch had made him a damn expert.

That it’s even a thought that occurs to him proves, to him anyway, that he’s right about all of this. He’s not a good man, prone to lying, cheating, and running away. Not at all what a father should be, and it would take nothing more than one screw-up to ruin all that happiness Ashe is talking about. ]

I can’t promise you won’t lose me one day.

[ Because he’s a coward, he says it with his eyes closed, only aware of the touch of her hand on his cheek. ]

I stop runnin’, they catch up, and everything and everyone near me is going to get caught in the crossfire. You think Talon would think twice about hurtin’ a kid? So maybe there is no house. We go underground, or we stay on the move. But whatever we do, that kid is gonna grow up afraid. Same way I did.

[ He takes a breath in, shaky around the edges, and turns his head away from her. ]

… I won’t have a family just to hurt it, and I don’t think I know how to have one without doin’ that. What we have goin’ here, this… you and Chloe… it’s more than I deserve. And if you think I’m not afraid of losin’ it every single day, you’re dead wrong.

[ She doesn’t want to fight. They’d already clashed over Blackwatch that evening and now this was taking them into uncomfortable territory. He could push her buttons all he wanted, but that only made her feel that much more stubborn. Either way it was out in the open, no closing pandora’s box now.

She watches him and listens to him, feeling the knot tighten in her throat, she hated that she was always on the edge of combat, ready for a fight. It was taking all she had in that moment to remember Jesse wasn’t the enemy. ]

We’re in the middle of a war, it’s all around us. We come from a blood soaked society and it’s made orphans of thousands of children, tens of thousands. Life is fear. It’s violent and ugly and if you give it half an opportunity to destroy you it will. Children grow up afraid Jesse, that’s a consequence of bein’ born in our world. But they grow up, and they survive if they get taught to be strong. Who better to teach them strength than you.

[ When he turns his head away she leans forward and places her other hand on his face to turn him back and in an attempt to get him to look at her again. ]

Jesse, you just told a woman who has pretty much broken every one of the ten commandments that she’d be a good mama, so don’t you dare say you got nothin’ but hurt to give. Because everythin’ I touch turns bad, and if you believe in me than you ain’t givin’ yourself the credit you deserve. And I bet you don’t know how deep and far reachin’ Deadlock goes, because I’d bring a goddamn army to protect you, and any theoretical child that might be involved.

[ And it dawned on her then as she looks at his face, her eyes widen as it sinks in. This was where being the person that had known him the longest made it harder for him to hide. ]

You ain’t your daddy Jesse...

[ Jesse finally relents, allowing her to turn his face back towards hers. He wants to believe her, and to believe he’s the man she thinks he is. He’s tried to be. Making the world a better place, making amends, that was what it had all been about.

But then she gets right to the center of it, hitting him dead center like a bullseye. He shuts his eyes quick, wincing from the shock of the shot; but he blinks his eyes back open this time, fixing her with a look that’s nothing but an old sadness. ]

I can’t stop thinkin’ that I’ve got some part of him in me. All the worst of it. If I ever hurt anyone the way he did to me Ashe, I…

[ He wants to stand up. Pace. Walk to the window, to the door. Go outside. Smoke. Leave. He realizes distantly how his hands are curled into fists, nails digging into his right palm. Slowly, he loosens it and rests his hand over one of hers instead. Tilts his cheek into her touch. ]

… I know it’s not right. Makes no sense. I hated him. I’d never. But talkin’ sense to it doesn’t make the idea go anywhere.

[ They were cut from the cloth, time and distance had not been able to change that. They abuses that had drawn them together as children and made them cold and hard and aggressive, were haunting them still. She watches him and the feelings that flood his face, the rest of the conversation and excuses fall to this side. This is less about who is chasing Overwatch agents and him being on the run. This is two adults who can't shake what their parents did to them. And just like when they were children they were standing their together wondering about the future and what it held for them. ]

Parents, they follow you even when you try to escape them.

[ Her thumb absently began to smooth against his cheek, and she watches him with a quiet fondness. He's been so arrogant and self assured, that she'd thought somehow he'd been successful at escaping. The truth is there before he, Blackwatch may have changed him, may have given him joy, and some of what he was looking for but it hadn't fixed the pain. ]

Chloe's afraid of men right? [ She didn't give him a chance to answer, just gently moved on. ] She told me once that you snapped at her and she drew back. She said that you are the only man in her life that's ever recognized fear in her and calmed down. She told me that you've never yelled at her since, and she felt safe enough with you to make you her daddy. That's what matters Jesse, not what we are afraid of doin', but the choices we make to not do it. I saw it in your eyes. I wish I could show you. You held that baby like it was the most precious thing in the whole world to you, like fine glass that you would protect forever in your arms. That's not a what if Jesse, that's you. Even if it never happens, that man is you.

[ She took one hand off his cheek and reached out to place it over his heart. ]

I know what it's like to be afraid of becomin' your parents, but not once Jesse have I ever seen your father in your eyes. And I've given you plenty of opportunities where I deserved a good slap across the face. And you are the man who never misses, but you always miss me. You ain't an abuser Jesse, and your daddy can't hurt you anymore, so don't let him rob you of whatever future you and I have ahead us.

[ He forgets, sometimes, how deep her understanding of him goes. It’s more than her having been there while he struggled. She’d carried her own burden, understands how heavy of a thing it can be to hold. Something tense and anxious unravels a little in him as he watches her watch him, sees the fondness in her eyes and the way she turns that anger and frustration, somehow, into just what he needs to hear.

It matters less in that moment that he can’t believe it all of himself. She believes it of him, believes he can be that man she saw. One that could hold something so precious in his arms to protect rather than do it harm. He swallows hard, nearly overwhelmed.

She’d put it just the right way. Less like his father is a presence still lingering, and more like he’s something to defy. Jesse’s hand tightens on her own, eyes shining as he glances down at the hand on his chest, then back up. ]

I’ve been tryin’ with Chloe. She deserves the best damn father there is, but I think… I haven’t done so bad, maybe.

[ He blinks rapidly, giving his head a little shake with a wobbly laugh. ]

I want us to have somethin’, you and me. Somethin’ that lasts. I want to do good by you. And by Chloe. And whoever else comes along. Just… give me some time?

[ It gives her a feeling of warmth as she sees some of that hope return. It's hard to read him in that moment, but she can feel the change in approach and the heaviness between them starts to soften again. She lets out a breath that she hadn't realized she'd been holding as she'd waited for his response. Just hearing him recognize what he'd done for Chloe reassures her that he's starting to hear her. ]

You are. She loves you like you were her real daddy, even when you weren't, so you're doin' good by her.

[ As he starts to laugh she relaxes even more. It helps to know this isn't about the other stuff so much as being afraid of the same things she's afraid of. And she really wasn't suddenly struck with the 'let's hop into the bedroom' and make a kid right this second, mentality. The idea still scared the shit out of her as well, a picture didn't fix that. She just needed the possibility of that happiness, needed to know if it happened it would be okay with him.

She gives a small laugh herself and leans up to brush her lips against his, giving him a gentle and lingering kiss. When she breaks it she stays close to him. ]

Don't worry, I don't think it could happen here, and if it was suggested to me back home, I'd laugh in their face. We got a lot of other things to think about. All I need to know is that you want us to have somethin' that lasts, because I like bein' happy and I've missed you so goddamn much. [ Even if there was no baby, she needed to know that maybe there was more than just fighting and running in their future. ]

Take all the time you need, I'm in absolutely no rush to start pickin' out names, because honestly, the idea scares the shit out of me too. [ She laughed again as she wove her fingers around his neck and leaned her forehead to his. ]

[ Jesse rests a hand on her forearm, holding her there with a grip both firm and loose enough to for her to pull away if she wants. He really hopes she doesn’t. He’s gone so long ignoring his need for touch, for even non-intimate physical connection, that having it now… well, it’s just another one of those things she’s afraid of wanting too much. But he also can’t get enough, and just her being there close to him is incredibly comforting.

He leans his forehead back against hers, taking a deep, steadying breath in at the same time. He never thought he’d get this lucky. Especially not here of all places. ]

Yeah, well. It’s big. One of the biggest things there is. Though you’re right that we’ve gone plenty on our plate right now.

[ Like the fact that he is completely and utterly in love with her. Even if he wouldn’t have admitted to it before, he would have to now. ]

But that’s fine. Everythin’ we’ve got, I wouldn’t trade it for a thing. I want that too for us. [ He reaches up to brush his other hand back through her hair. ] Somethin’ that lasts.

[ His responses are satisfying and soothe any worry that she's had. Whatever that photo is or represents, it's the future and what they need to focus on his the present. The photo is a good reminder of what they are fighting for; safety and security together, but it needs to be a reminder and not the focus.

She suddenly finds it easier to let go of the future and the past knowing that he wants to be with her. That knowledge brings her back to the moment and the snow falling outside and the peaceful warmth of the fire.]

Same.

[ She reaches up to hold his hand as it brushes through her hair and she places a kiss to his wrist. ] But I think I've had enough of pictures and complications and stressful conversations for one evenin'. I can only confront so much at one time.

That was a ride, wasn’t it? Feelin’ pretty wiped out myself.

[ That’s the last time he’ll assume anything about Deerington’s mysterious photos, should they appear again. Maybe next time, if this happens with anyone else, he’ll exercise a bit of caution. Or at least try to brace himself.

But it’s over for now though, and the air seems clearer for it. He smiles at her, that warm, utterly infatuated expression he only ever wears around her. ]

Want to get somethin’ warm to drink? Maybe put a movie in?

[ It had been a ride, and she was ready for anything that would allow her to relax and disengage from her any negative feelings.

She moves to stand up and leans over to give him a quick kiss. ] Sounds good, and then I'm thinkin' an early bedtime.

[ Jesse nods, only letting go of her reluctantly. But he knows she'll come back. Letting go of one another no longer feels like they're in danger of it being the last time. ]

Sounds good, darlin'.

Deerington Inbox

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

CW: very brief allusion to past child abuse

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject